Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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