Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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