Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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