I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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