HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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