We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
