We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
