Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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