Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
