she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
