I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
