just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
