btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
