my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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