my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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