Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
