Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
