I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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