TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
