3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My penis needs a shock collar
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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