I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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