Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
