If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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