so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
