So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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