I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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