i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
