Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
operation have a gay friend backfired
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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