i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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