i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Send help, water and tortillas.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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