Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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