So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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