3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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