Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
