i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
