a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
