I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
