my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
