I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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