I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
