Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
