Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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