You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
