youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
