fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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