I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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