I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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