So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
