I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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