hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Green mimosas i think yes
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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