oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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