Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
