let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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