Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We need to get me chipped asap
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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