i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
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I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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