I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
