You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
