Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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